To have never loved is better than to have loved and lost.

If you never try, you never feel the sting of failure.

If you never have hope, your illusion never has to break.

If you never dream, you never have to be woken up.

And right now, I wish I had never dreamed, hoped, tried.

What’s the point if your only going to be silenced, grounded and denied?

Some background:

I applied to a model parliament thing that we have in Ontario. I was selected to represent a riding (not my own, but I was to represent another for an unexplained reason). We had to write an essay, get a referral, get our parents to sign a consent form and submit the application. As I already mentioned, I was selected. I was really excited and I’ve already informed the teacher that provided my referral.

And now my parents have said no. Its too far away. Apparently, I never informed them that it was 3 days long, not 1. 3 Days is too long. It isn’t important. I was probably selected in a draw. It isn’t safe. And apparently 1 and a half years will make so much wiser (I will be going off to university).

Now I feel like I’ve wasted my time, my teacher’s time and the time of the people who run this program. And I feel afraid. Very afraid. Will I ever be allowed to do as I wish? Or will I always have to bend to their iron-willed rulings? I realize I will one day be an adult, but will I even be me by then. Will I have lost myself?

What is the point? Isn’t it cruel to take a bird out of its cage, let it try to fly only for it to discover that its been chained down. Isn’t it cruel to let a fish get a taste of the ocean only to confine it to a pond? Isn’t it cruel to allow a lion to run, only for it to slam into its glass cage? This is how I feel.

I’ve been allowed to glimpse a bright future, only to be called back down to earth. To be weighed down by expectations and duty. To have to realize that I live in a cage. Something a child does not notice, something an adolescent knows only too well.

I know they mean well. I do not need that lecture. I want them to be proud of me. I’m just afraid it will never happen. Because the only way for that to happen is for me to live the life they want me to live. That life requires me to give up myself. It requires I pursue the career they want me to. It requires I marry whoever they want me to. It even requires I have kids because they want me to. It crushed me that this is a life that, at the moment, I cannot see myself pursuing.

You only live once. You get one life, to make of what you will. And newsflash, the system is rigged. Your one chance could end through no fault of your own. At any point. I can’t waste my one chance. Not on something I don’t believe in. Life isn’t a course in high school. I can’t just wait for it to be over so I can take something I like.

I can understand the people in history who have given up their lives to please others. I fear one day being them. Someone who is only remembered as the empty shell who had no personality. They have no personality because in order to please others, they had to give it up. I don’t want to be on a list of motivators for kids like me. Kids who see a breathing person, and vow to not be them. Who vow to not only breath, but to live.

Yes, this is a lot for a person in their mid-teens to be concerned about. Yes, it shouldn’t be my biggest concern right now. Yes, I can see how I come off as arrogant and overwhelmed and overly dramatic. I’m trying to communicate my perceived conflict the only way I can. I might not be doing a good job of it. But hopefully I got the message across.

Disclaimer: I am very upset as I write this and may later regret this or view what I have written differently. But at this moment, these are my thoughts.

Image: Google, Pixabay

11/08/2016